Please! Walk all over me!

I have to stop saying YES to everyone and NO to myself. Enough of Pleasing everyone. It just sucks being taken for granted and worrying for another person and being-"The Happy One". Its such a annoying expectation that others have for me.. I'm a Happy person.. just not all the time. Last i checked.. that's normal by the way...I've been thoroughly neglecting myself again.. =( I miss me.

I think i am scaring mum...

After Watching this episode today. Mum panicked for me. The guy Lucas was suppose to help the lead girl become more womanly and have more success in her blind dates.

Lucas says dress for a date not a work meeting; A woman's bag is her life ( No Work notes!); Mind your body language and dont distance yourself from others; Dont volunteer to work late-Work is not your life;be more endearing overall.

I'm so screwed right. Haha.. How in the world am will i ever bring a small bag! I have got too much books to carry around! And err.. Work is kinda everything.. its so hard to detach myself from it.. I was sweating when this show was playing on man.. Its like a "Ouuh-Oh" checklist ahha..

Anyways, I had a good 5 min nagging till i scooted off to my room to write this. i wanted to reassure mum but.. I think ermm.. its kinda complicated ahah.. So when things straighten out a bit then i'll show her my living-breathing reassurance.

Life is unfolding

I wonder if this ever happens to you. If Life is like origami. You start folding and folding.. like building paths and gaining experiences and then to finish off you UNFOLD. Like unravelling the reason for all the bad things or good things that happen in the beginning in the folding stage.

I remember talking about my incidences that brought me to GOD. I realise that he has been hinting to me more than once. And most times i did not even realise. Now that i am consciously aware, I am slowly looking for bread crumbs and picking them up as i go. I feel so fortunate now.. to be able to have the thin layer of grey off my eyes.

The Food place that i go eat at Far east Plaza at work. Right next to it is the Christian Book store. I didnt realise till last week. HAahaha.. i've been eating there for so long man.. These incidences just make me smile really.. cause i can feel GOD's love.

Ferrero Rocher

I remembered a conversation with Sam about how some people are like hard on the outside and Mushy inside. Not very often in fact only the privileged sometimes get a sneak peak of the mushy side of these Hard.. HARD NUTS. Yours truly however is a self proclaimed privileged one! Its like i have a magnet specially attracting hard nuts with mushy insides. i love how i can poke around and then find their soft spot.

There are some NUTTY people who are just the opposite of this. Soft and frail looking on the outside.. but tough as nails inside. Just makes you wonder what they have been through.

The only similarity for both such types is that you have to prepare to listen to a Oh-so-heart-wrenching story to find out why their insides are so hard or so mushy. After which it just leaves you feeling so very heart heavy.

I'm special! I'm Ferrero Rocher. ( as much as i dont like chocolate, Ferrero Rocher can sometiems do it for me) I can be hard an crispy outside and all mushy like the ones under the sun. Or the ones right outta the fridge with tough insides and soft outsides. At different phases in life, i have been a Ferrero Rocher thrown in different scenarios.

I bet some of you are looking all smirk and thinking aww... She cant be that tough inside.. Stubborn maybe ahah.. I'd beg to differ. I'll have you know i'm a pretty solid nut. Before you start screaming -Independent Career Women.. EEKS! at me. There are times that as much as i try to stay calm outside. Sometimes i slip up and a tear or two sneaks out and a emotional burst happens. I'm a girl inside after all.. which also follows the fact that i love clean white sheets with many many different sized pillows and flowers and did i not mention i'd love to be courted!

Ha! Who would have thought i'd link this epiphany to the one thing i dont enjoy (besides coffee) ChoColate! EEw..

Birthday Wishes in April

Sam was sharing that he would be in Aussie again from September to December this year again. After concluding that we'd be missing his birthday this year again. Outta randomness I sang him a PRE-birthday song. Outta secondary randomness, i made him sing one for me too.. ROFL..

I cant help it .. our birthdays are 10 days apart. I told him that i want an oven. Told him that its an investment for his tummy. Haha.. I think i may have spoke too fast ahah.. I should have asked for a more girly thing.. ahha. An Oven is so Oh Ba San!! Or at least very housewivey.. After i said that out loud, I was just thinking.. "Aiyah.. I should ask him for something shiny or super girly mah..Tsk!" I like how we can just ask for birthday presents now.. ahha.. its so much easier now.

Sometimes, I like how we put $$ aside and just get things for each other even when there isn't an occasion for it. Just-because-gifts are the best gifts really. It comes with a feeling. Kinda like a small pleasant mini surprise cum I just thought of you so i got this feeling. This odd feeling is normally accompanied by a Awww... U shouldnt have moment.

Oouh OouH! I just randomly thought of what justin said to me in Poly. (side track: GOSh! I miss him!)

He said to me: " Everyone should have a stephanie."

I so miss that dear boy! See.. He said this.. Just beacause! And yes he got a BIG... SMILE from me.. then he pounce on me a Big Justin Hug.

I think I've been naughty..

Credits to Jennifer

Dear GOD,

I'm sorry to have made you upset. You must be very disappointed with me. I'm sorry lord for i have sinned. You know what i did wrong. I've so not been a good girl. =( Its so hard really, and i dont like it that i keep falling into the devil's trap. I want to be able to enjoy you're warm and giving glory. Please help me in my steps to you. I want to have a close bond with you. Please lord, help me keep focused unto you and show me the next few steps that you would like me to take. Lord, i know u will gracefully accept me into your arms once again. I know that there is nothing to separate our bond Lord. Thank you for dying on the cross for me and taking away my sins. Thank you for forgiving and re-forgiving me time and time again. GOD almighty! thank you for being my solid rock! my fortress and my deliverer!

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.- Psalm 18:2

My series of Many Coincidences that lead to GOD

There were too many coincidences that God paved out for me to finally find him.. Just wanted to share the few most recent(of which i can remember)

The Blind side..I love this show.. its a weird coincidence how i picked this movie out before i accepted Christ. And now.. it has a deeper meaning. click here for synopsis.

I remember loving and Humming to Plus One's Songs.. Corrine May's album. Spreading the love for these two fab CDs. Placing them both now in the clinic. Talk about spreading the gospel!

When new friends randomly ask if i was Christian back then. I'd often ask them why do they ask me that. Oddly they just said just because! or cause you look and act like one. This question coming from a non christian friend, sounded very queer to me.

In return i would ask- "Do Christians have a look? How can you tell from their actions?"

After being asked i often ponder. Its kinda like the Lord paving the path for me.. and he knows the best way for me to him is through my thoughts and pondering.. and curiosity.. ahah.. GOD's so smart that way.

Being Blur! and Super clumsy helped me realised his presence in my life too. Mum always tell me (Sha ren you Sha fu). When i always thought yeah.. thats it! I can only be like this and give this much. Somehow the road to the things i desire is paved out smoothly for me. I think it comes naturally for everyone to pray when in trouble. But i remember Thanking God too! For all the little obstacles he put in front of me. I think its maybe optimistic-glass-is-half-full syndrom input in me that is reacting out. I feel so proud now for truly believing in the "Good Side" of things. I always imagined it like this- God's putting this big rock in front of me now blocking everything in sight because he wants me to go in a different direction. This is His way of guiding me into the right path. Amazing how the back then "Good side" of things actually is "God's Way" of things.

Being totally logical and yet open minded about whats way beyond. Compelling! I know! This constant fight in me about logically saying to my self that there is no Beyond the Beyond that is looking out for me and that pure Luck and coincidence is the reason for my misfortunes or Lucky breaks, to the open minded inner me trying to take a stand and trying to justify that tingly feeling in me whenever Luck comes around.

Like Baby steps I remember i started Hoping first. Silly things like hoping I'd pass my test, Hoping my teacher falls sick. Hoping I'd not get caught eating this sweet!

to

Praying for all my bad things to go away or a peace of mind or guidance to get out of this mess to a blurry picture in my mind i call God.

to

Praying for every car accident i see on the road. Random praying for friend's and family members.

to

Seeking to find out who that blurry picture is.

I cant say that i have totally replaced Jesus in that blurry picture just yet. But i believe that He knows best for me. All these baby steps i am taking are solid steps to HIM! Just as Sam says (of something along the lines of this)-You don't need to know all the theory part before devoting. You just need to constantly seek him and enjoy his day for you.

I feel so fortune to be able to find you-GOD. And to be able to be saved by your grace! I'll share my journey here as God shows me the way and unravels his Perfect Will for me!

Happiness

As much as possible i would like to be happy. Even when i try to make an effort to its just so tough these days. I know the remedy of all this. - Contentment.

I realise a while ago the feeling of content is something that i yearn for. Its important to feel contentment as it can lessen resentment, disappointment, sore sore muscles, wrinkles and not to mention LESS nit-picky!

Lets do an equation now yeah..

So if CONTENTMENT = LESS Disappointment/Resentment/Sore Muscles/Wrinkles/Less Nit-picky

And i like being less of everything on the right side of the equation.. then.. I really.. REALLY! should just be thankful and fulfill with what i have now yeah?

I am sure its just me. Feeling like i have to save the world again and be the best in every situation. i am just not very forgiving towards myself. The amount of pressure i place on my shoulders in terms of task and responsiblities and goals might as well be equilvalent to two bags of rice. Cutting myself slack is just not in my nature. I know.. i'll need to work smarter and be less volunteering. But thats gonna be tough too. The latter is at least.

Please help me Lord be more focus unto you and not other Gods! Amen!